9/02/18 16:56 (in my car following a huge argument while Leo naps in his car seat)
Why do people often presume that when you are going through the biggest life changing event of becoming a parent, that tough love can sometimes be the answer?
It’s similar to that British slogan we see in similar forms everywhere now, ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’. Well what if I can’t keep calm right now and I don’t feel able to carry on right now? What if I just need a bit of empathy or a few moments to myself? And a massive pile of biscuits (digestives would be fine).
In my opinion we all get enough tough love every day just by being a Mum. The broken sleep, the screaming, the sick on the hair you’ve just gotten round to washing after 3 lots of dry shampoo, the exploding nappies up the back seconds before leaving the front door requiring a bath and full change of clothes (baby not you – you just carry on in your shit stained clothes as you won’t notice the smudge of poo on your top until you are actually at your NCT coffee morning), the endless hunts for car keys when late, no dummies to be seen and you own 16 etc etc. I think you see where I’m coming from now. Being a mum is completely exhausting so additional tough love is not required here thank you very much.
I believe as a Mum you experience tough love each day just by default from looking after our gorgeous bundles of joy. And what makes it Ok is the moments of absolute wonder we get to experience too. The tough and the wonderful moments go hand in hand most of the time (it is only when you get a total absence of wonderful and constant tough ones that you can start to wobble) but typically days go more like this; the stares that melt our hearts, the food splatted on our clothes, their adorable hands grasping our fingers, the biting with new teeth (ouch!) their delightful giggles as we tickle them or blow raspberries on their bellies, the snot wiped in our hair, the excited kicks from those chunky legs covered in rolls, the refusal to eat anything you have in your kitchen, those magical first wobbly steps, the hot coffee spilt over your phone, the endearing heavy breathing while they concentrate and explore new objects (this is one of my personal favourites)- Leo does this often and sounds like Darth Vader. In a very cute way of course.
Sometimes those closest to me have offered me tough love. On top of what I’ve already experienced that day. And I’ve hated it. I’ve tried both ignoring it and on occasion even kicked back. I’m pretty sure they are only doing it to try and help you ‘in the long run’ as they worry if you are vulnerable, because they love you. So they want to see you cope and being strong. They need to see this. And then they ‘know’ you’ll be ok. Which makes them feel ok too.
But in fact as my dear Russell taught me years ago now, being vulnerable is in fact being brave – which means you are strong. To be able to sit and cry and share how crap you are feeling takes a lot of courage. You are ignoring the fear of being judged and accepting who you are and how you are feeling. And unless anyone has just done a day in your shoes they don’t really know what you’re experiencing (or how long ago you got to wash your hair / ate something that wasn’t a baby wafer).
So if it’s all just gotten too much and you want to have a good cry and eat a pile of biscuits then just do it! It’s ok not to be ok. Allow yourself to feel how you feel – it’s the quickest way to move to a happier place. You’re doing an amazing job, and it’s such a tough one, so it’s perfectly normal to feel like crap sometimes.
Just make sure you give yourself a chance and communicate your needs clearly to those around you. For example if you need someone you trust to take your baby out for a walk so you can have a bath in peace just ask. If you need a cup of tea just ask. And if you need hug – just ask!
I think asking for help is so critical when you are a new mum – and from my own experience I know it can be really difficult to reach out. I will dedicate a whole burst to this very topic in due course.
Coldtea 