You know you’re a working Mum when…

Written on various sections of my commute; from train seats and floors, on the underground, and on cold rainy platforms waiting for delayed trains 28/11/2018

You know you’re a working Mum when…

You get home after a two and a half hour battle, I mean journey – you needed the loo before you left the office in London but by the time you realised you were wedged, yes wedged, on a train home, with someone’s umbrella up your backside, someone’s back-pack in your face, and the potent smell of loads of commuters eating the first course of their evening meal (aka secret Burger King meal bought at Paddington).

So upon walking in the door you dump your bags and head straight for the downstairs loo and your toddler who heard you arrive proceeds to cry that you appear to be hiding from them, pulling at the half shut door. Your toddler is so excited to see you so desperately tries to climb up your legs laddering your tights and after initially protesting that you want to pee in peace, you’ve in fact missed them so much that you grab them and sit them firmly on your lap while you proceed to tinkle. The grin from ear to ear. In fact you both do. Reunited again, sat on the loo together! You even stay sat there for a while afterwards with your knickers and tights at your ankles, with your happy toddler on your lap playing with the basin taps that he can reach.

You know you’re a working Mum when…

You get home and amazingly manage to make it in time for your toddlers dinner so after feeding your toddler who it appears is now eating adult size portions of Bolognese, you clean them up and take them out of the high chair and en route to the lounge they communicate very clearly with their new assertive babbling that they want a sausage from the dish on the side to hold, despite you trying to persuade them otherwise they insist on having the sausage. You are full of working mum guilt so you give in and hand them said sausage and despite trying to distract your child once in the lounge with 5,456 toys, they will not let go, and you completely give in to the hot greasy sausage being waved around the room and wiped all over the CREAM carpet, and raspberry red chenille sofa (your pride and joy furniture piece prior to becoming a mother). Mum guilt means your boundaries are constantly pushed as you just want to enjoy them as much as possible in what little time you have, so tears are avoided, even at the cost of the poor sofa.

You know you’re a working Mum when…

You are absolutely shattered after yet another day in the London office, and once again face the battle to escape the big smoke for somewhere far greener and cleaner with dreams of seeing your little person before they go to sleep, your eyes widen at the thought that you might even make it back in time to feed them their night time bottle, and in your keenness, lost in your dream, instead of getting your train ticket out ready when you arrive at Paddington, you get your car key out. You haven’t even got on the train to your home town yet. Good one.

You know you’re a working Mum when…

You are in the midst of a text conversation with your lovely childminder about how your little one is getting on and she asks if you can provide a list of words your son is saying so that she can reinforce them when he is with her. You reply that they aren’t saying any words yet and just still babbling lots. You don’t think much of it as you’re aware that all children develop skills at different paces and are totally comfortable with that…. That night I got home to find my little boys journal filled in by his childminder for me to read….. to my shock (and delight) I read the latest entry sharing how impressed she is that my boy is communicating so well and using such a great array of words! I didn’t actually know this. I was gobsmacked. I guess seeing him for such limited time in the week, (about half an hour a night if I’m lucky) means I’m not getting the full picture of how much he is progressing. I haven’t even got to the best bit yet. The update also included that my toddler was indeed calling the childminder by her name. My baby boy still doesn’t say Mumma to me. Ouch.

And in the same way that these extracts of my life are both funny and a bit tough in places, so is being a Mum who works. On the one hand it is brilliant to be able to get back to the workplace, use my skills and make an impact, enjoy all the adult interaction, continue my career and professional development, earn a salary again – but it is also very tough. Being away from your baby for so many hours every day is very hard indeed, you miss them in a way that is indescribable – I see little ones on the tube sometimes and it makes you wonder what your own baby is doing, what is he playing / eating / climbing? – that feeling takes the air out of your lungs and crushes you inside.

And it feels like they grow up so much faster when you don’t see them much, for every proud moment when they show you something new they can do, you wince inside as you realise how much they have learnt this week, while you’ve been at work in an air-conned cage, yes we all know it can be a bit of a zoo at work.

The bills need paying, and that won’t ever change, but I know I’ll never get this time back with my baby boy. Working full time hours, with a commute is tough, and it’s important to note here that there are a wide array of options for Mums and families in terms of working hours / job choices / locations / childcare and not one size will ever fit all. We must just all be kind to ourselves and each other while we navigate these options and chapters of our lives; and also to be aware that the choices made by all of us aren’t always as clear cut as we’d like to think they are. We often have grand plans that we make on our Maternity Leave… and these often look different in reality. Well for most of us anyway.

Give yourself a break every once in a while, whatever that means for you – it’s critical you’re able to recharge. A G&T after work, a bacon roll on the way in to work, a secret Burger King on the way home, a bubble bath, a gym session, a night out with friends – whatever it takes make it happen so you can get up and do it all again the next day.

I’d love to hear if you relate to any of these or it you have any of working mum extracts to share so please feel free….

Welcome to the underground.

29/05/2018 3.40pm

Welcome to the underground. (No don’t panic, I’m not poorly referencing a sugababes song.)

Before I became a mum I would observe other mums, both consciously and subconsciously and make judgments and assumptions. Not because I’m a bitch but because I’m human, and whether we admit it or not, we all constantly make judgements about others. Through the constant stream of events and interactions that happen all around us we automatically observe and judge – and that aids us to make decisions about our own lives. For example; based on observation A, if I take action B then it’s most likely I’ll reach outcome C – this is a judgment. See – it doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative!

These judgements aid our decision making so that we make informed choices. So for the purposes of this blog post, I’m talking about informing us of what kind of mum we may want to be one day. And I’m talking about all kinds of choices like;

• what we feed our babies
• what classes they go to
• if we do sleep training
• if they use a dummy
• if or when they might have have a sibling
• what sort of childcare they go to
• if or when will we go back to work, and for how many days
• if are we going to follow through and confiscate the toy like we said we would
• if we are going to wipe our child’s face covered in ice cream for the 43rd time in the last 5 minutes
• or even let them have the ice cream etc etc

For years before I became a mum, I’d seen millions of mums in a huge variety of situations; at the doctors surgery waiting anxiously for their baby to be seen, on aeroplanes with small children, at the dinner table with friends and family, on my sofa in my home, at the park trying to locate their child, in the queue at Aldi trying to mediate a fight between multiple siblings, attempting to park their car at the Oracle (local multi storey car park), at work with baby sick on their shoulder, on the school run not giving way at a roundabout, on holiday running around the pool – you get my drift……mums are everywhere, and there are so many different kinds of mums – right? And now, as my Dad says, ‘I are one’.

It’s strange how once you are on the other side of the looking glass you see a different side to the story. I wrote about this in an earlier blog post (Open Your Eyes. Wider). And it’s not necessarily that you always had it all wrong, it’s just that you didn’t really get it, you couldn’t have.

Once you become a mum you realise what mum life is all about; the heartfelt joy you get to experience, the eye watering and heart bursting love, and the challenges you have to overcome. Every. Single. Day. No matter what kind of mum you are, you get this.

Let’s rewind a little. When you first have a baby you are met with a flurry of congratulations from your nearest and dearest and even from strangers in street. Most people are over joyed at the news of a baby’s arrival. And so, you receive a bundle of congratulations cards, social media posts and 86 cuddly toys for your newborn. I was fortunate enough to receive all of this and more when Leo arrived.

But there is one congratulations that has stayed in my mind, and it will do forever. “Congratulations Lis”, she said, “how’re you doing?” – and my stock answer in the early days was; “it’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but also the most amazing”. She smiled at me and asked, “So do you now feel like you’re part of the underground (community)? – of mums? – like you now get ‘it’?” This question resonates with me to this day, nearly nine months on, and I think it always will. The answer of course, was “Yes!” and it inspired me to write this very post six months on.

Now that I’m a mum I see many things in life differently. I believe having a baby impacts your ‘lense’ that you use to view the world and almost everything in it. It’s like having a new pair of glasses. Even if it just strengthens the view aka the values and ideas you had before, it still impacts on everything. And now I have my mum lenses I have a more ‘educated by experience’ awareness when I observe other mums. Even though I’ve not been a mum long, you do just get ‘it’, you can imagine what they’ve been through to reach that point in their day. We are often enough, ALL enduring it, just a stage ahead or behind depending on the age of our child, from a different kitchen / bedroom / car park / nursery.

Suddenly, as mums, we have the ability to connect with one another more than we did before we became mothers. I’m sure you’ve experienced it too? There’s that look that you share when you both make eye contact. That look that says; ‘It’s ok you go first, you need to buy those nappies faster than I need to buy my weekly shop’.
The ‘not minding’ when the toddler is screaming at the table next to you when you’re out for a quiet lunch.
The ‘helping hand’ when you grab another mum’s trolley when it rolls back into the car park full of shopping while the mum is half in the car wrestling with the toddler and the car seat. Giving another mum’s hand a gentle squeeze to let them know ‘it will be ok’ during the quiet of the yoga class when silent tears start to roll down their cheeks because it’s all just gotten too much.
The simple buying of a ‘life saving coffee’ when they forgot their purse.
The ‘you go in first’ when you can see the fellow mum is stressed and desperately needs access to the changing facilities.
By making small gestures like this, what we are saying to the other mum is; I’ve got your back and I get it. I empathise. I care. Whether you’ve been in their shoes in that exact situation yet or not, it doesn’t matter, someday you know you will be.

We are all on the same journey learning and growing every day. And with very little sleep we are all dealing with a crying baby or toddler / who is refusing to feed / sleep and who has a very full nappy and there’s a pretty strong possibility that our home needs a good hoover / a laundry basket that needs emptying / a fridge that needs a refill / we are running late for work / the nursery pick up; or in some cases all of the above!

It is important then to remember that we are all part of the same community, we are all mums. Yes on the outside we all look ‘different’, and handle things differently because we are individuals, and we do make a variety of ‘different’ choices as mums, but in reality we are in fact  ALL THE SAME; we are all women just doing our best for our children. And that’s what gives us this connection, that’s what makes us part of the same underground community. And this is a really wonderful thing!

So let’s remember this and make the most of every opportunity we have to help one another. You never know, your kindness might arrive when someone really has just had enough. And don’t forget, if you haven’t been in their shoes yet, someday soon enough you will be wearing them – just maybe in a different colour.

What kind gestures have you experienced since becoming a mum?

Break the habit of a lifetime

13/05/2018 18.54

When did you last ask for help? And was it about something you really needed or was it a ‘convenient’ ask for help? Something that wouldn’t put the other person out too much?

Such as ‘babe can you grab me a packet of maltesers when you’re at the shop?’ Or, ‘babe when you come downstairs can you bring the washing basket down?’

Was it in fact a favour? Something you don’t even need. You just want? Or not even a complete task, as that would push it too far (i.e. like asking for them to actually put the washing on!)

So I will ask you again. When did you last ask for something you actually needed?

‘[Insert friends name here] would you be able to drive me to my doctors appointment tomorrow as I’ve done my back in and can’t drive?’

‘Babe can you look after ‘baby’ tonight as I need to have a soak in the tub (before I lose my mind)’.

You are actually allowed. You don’t have to justify it. You can ask for help. It is not a negative reflection of you, it does not mean you are weak / incapable / un-resourceful / a crap mum. It just means you need help sometimes. As mums we very often try and take on so much, (aka mental load) and very often it’s just not realistic, we risk burning out. Which means we’d be useless! So it’s important we protect ourselves and ask for help before it gets to that point. So that we can stay well and enjoy our precious time with our babies, before they grow up (Leo is just shy of 9 months and is already keen to walk it’s crazy how quickly he is developing, makes me happy and sad all at once!)

In general our society doesn’t like asking for help. I believe it is a cultural norm. We all politely offer help to one another, on a daily basis, but very rarely take someone up on their offer. I remember being struck by the contrast to this when travelling in South India – every offer was real, every offer was accepted, and every offer was returned – no guilt, no issues, no judgement, just help.

Here in the UK on occasion I have found that sometimes if you do take someone up on their offer, they are a bit surprised! Not because they didn’t mean it, but because you’ve actually accepted their offer,- which they perhaps weren’t really expecting. I think our pride gets in way a lot of the time, we often like to remain as independent and self sufficient as possible (typical British stiff upper lip syndrome). And whilst that is very admirable, it’s not always realistic.

A prime example of this awkwardness was when an old friend of mine popped over to with her toddler to meet Leo for the first time. We all munched away on double chocolate chip cookies. My friend had offered for her daughter to eat it in my kitchen (where there is tiled floor), I said not to worry (naive new mum with little experience of toddlers). So we continued into the lounge…. which had 6 month old cream carpet. While we chatted away her toddler was wondering around the lounge playing and didn’t really eat the cookie, more just kind of innocently wiping it over everything, the crumbs and melting chocolate chips were going everywhere. I didn’t even notice until it was time to leave. My lovely friend noticed and felt awful, she then offered to hoover it up, I immediately refused, even though I had suffered a post partum hemorrhage weeks earlier and severe diastasis recti (tummy muscle separation) and was in no way able to hoover. She offered again and said she felt so bad, and again I refused. It wouldn’t be polite would it? For a guest to hoover your lounge! And then she came up with a brilliant angle; she explained she would feel more guilty not hoovering, than I would feel for allowing her to hoover! It was hilarious and it worked, she proceeded to hoover my lounge. And then my stairs just out of kindness. I felt so awkward but also relieved. Crazy isn’t it? Help was offered on a plate to me! Why wouldn’t I have just accepted the offer the first time. I nearly let my pride get in the way, thank goodness I didn’t. (If you’re reading this, thanks again lovely).

As I’ve said before in previous ‘bursts’ on my blog, when you become a mum your whole world changes and you can feel pretty vulnerable at times. Simple tasks that you used to do without thinking (e.g. mopping kitchen floor / doing a food shop / taking a bath) now take a lot of careful thought and planning. Either because you have no time, or because you need baby to be kept safe while you do said task, or because you physically cannot due to recovery from childbirth. ‘Operation Be Clean’ (aka take a shower) is one I aim to complete once a day. What are some of yours?

As a new Mum your hormones are flying everywhere because our bodies are adjusting to no longer having our baby growing inside of us. And our minds adjust trying to make sense of our new role, our baby, and where we now fit in the word around us.

So as a new mum if you ask for help I think it can often feel like this;

• If I’m not capable of doing this simple task, then that’s ridiculous and pathetic.
• They might think I’m really lazy if I ask them, I’ve never heard anyone else ask for help with this.
• How stupid of me not to realise I needed to do that / buy one of those, it’s too late to ask for help now.
• If I don’t have the energy to do it, how will I ever have the energy, I must find a way.
• I’ll ask next time, I’m sure I can cope again today.
• I need to learn this myself, just like everyone else does.
• I should know how to do this by now.
• They are busy with their own life, they won’t have time for me.
• I can’t believe I don’t know what I’m doing, everyone else does.

When in actual fact if you ask for help it means this;

• That you understand how you are feeling
• That you have identified what will help you / your baby
• That you have identified who you believe will be able to help you
• That you are being proactive
• That you want to be the best mum you can be and won’t let your pride get in the way of this

And as a new mum that’s something to be proud of right? With so much going on you know what needs to be done, and why, you just can’t do it all yourself. That is perfectly normal. And acceptable. And it’s ok.

And I know that is so easy to say. It makes so much sense to read it doesn’t it? Or even to say it to other people. But when you are feeling vulnerable that sort of logic goes out of the window. We can sometimes feel like shells of our former selves after having a baby – our whole world now revolves around this precious new life, and we can easily become overwhelmed with all that needs to be done / bought / sterilised / organised / cleaned / pumped.

And especially if we were independent souls before hand, suddenly we realise we are unable to do everything that we need to, and on top of that we don’t know how to do particular tasks. And we can be so down on ourselves about this new reality; we used to be super competent in our life as an adult (mainly), and now the rug has been pulled from beneath our feet – we can sometimes even come to the conclusion if we can’t DO IT ALL that we are inadequate in some way, or even failing; failing our baby, ourselves, our new family.

Obviously these feelings vary from mum to mum depending on their personality, expectations, what day of the week it is, mental health, birth experience, pregnancy journey, but I think it’s safe to say all new mums feel at the very least exhausted with all the things they need to do and would appreciate some more help.

The truth is we aren’t failing anyone. The very fact that we have identified all of these tasks illustrates just how much we want to get it right, and how aware we are of what is important to us in our new role to make it right. When I say ‘right’ I am in no way suggesting that there is a right and a wrong way, I just mean for the individual – the new mum’s approach to how they want their house / baby’s clothing / the lounge carpet / hair / toy box to be. It will vary for all of us. And sometimes we have to let go these standards and give ourselves a break. But sometimes there are really important things that we need to maintain or preserve for our own sanity. Some of us want our baby to go out and get fresh air each day. Some of us want home cooked food each evening. Some of us want all the baby grows folded neatly in size order in the draw. Some of us want a hot bath. Some of us want a gin and tonic. A double please.

And on the basis that most of the people on this planet are nice people we shouldn’t feel embarrassed or afraid to ask for help. Ironically so many of us even experience ‘unwanted’ help as new mums which could be redirected to something that would be so much more helpful to us! So let’s be brave and get the help we need! Let’s not focus on the fact that we can’t do it all ourselves (we aren’t superhuman – yes there it is, I admitted it – we did give birth to another being but that is where our super powers end – we now need to focus on recovery, baby and learning to live in our new world). Let’s focus on getting what we need to be the best we can be – And what’s more, feel proud that as new mums we know what we need for ourselves and our baby to be ok. So go on, do it, break the habit of a life time, ask for help! I dare you…..

When did you last ask for help and what was it with? (and how did you feel afterwards?) What do you need to ask for help with? Please comment below so other readers can see your experiences too….

Real mums

We all have good days and bad days, and that certainly hasn’t changed since I’ve become a mum. It’s real life isn’t it. I’ve lost count the number of times I have either said or text ‘#mumfail’ when chatting with my mum friends. This particular hashtag has become a staple part of my vocabulary. Not always in a negative or self deprecating way, but a quick and easy way of acknowledging and illustrating my thoughts on something I had, or more often the case, hadn’t done. When this happens we can sometimes feel overwhelmed with ‘Mum-guilt’. “Why didn’t I do it right / know what he needed / remember to do that????? How could I have been so stupid”.

Some of these #mumfails have been pretty funny on reflection, and some of these a little worrying at the time – but never life threatening and always recoverable! But as we all know, being a mum however rewarding, isn’t easy, there is so much to learn, so much to remember and to aid it all, so little sleep!

This combination is bound to provide the perfect backdrop for a number of #mumfails. So here are a few of mine, mixed with a few I have heard along the way…..

Top 10 #mumfails:

1. When despite the 63 toys taking over your living room, your baby is focused on eating bits of leaf / fluff / miscellaneous from the carpet because you haven’t found time to hoover.
2. When your husband “helpfully” collapses the buggy, even though you go out walking everyday, to keep the hall tidy and you fall over it head over heels on your way down the stairs.
3. When you are at your NCT coffee morning at a friends house, changing your baby’s nappy, you realise they’ve had a ‘poonami’ right up to their neck (aka explosive nappy) and you didn’t bring a spare change of clothes.
4. When you realise you have run out of food for your baby, while they are sat in the highchair eagerly awaiting their lunch, so you give them breakfast (aka banana slop). Again.
5. When you are a mile up the road on your way to baby sensory and you look in your rear view mirror to check on baby, and you see the side of their face – you suddenly realise this is not your normal view point so you pull over. When you open their car door to see them facing you – you forgot to swivel the car seat to rear facing.
6. When your baby falls off the bed. On to a hard floor. Again.
7. When you text your OH the shopping list and you apparently completely forget you have a baby and you miss off nappies and baby food. When you share this revelation with your partner when they get home, they respond; ‘yes, I thought that was odd but then just figured we didn’t need any’. Great. #doubleparentfail
8. When you are sat on your mum friends couch feeding your baby and so much milk is collecting around your baby’s face and baby doesn’t seem totally relaxed. And your mum friend kindly suggests you may want to try a teat in a bigger size, and that she has a sterilised one in her bag if you wanted to use it, like right now. You just didn’t think about the teat before now. You didn’t realise they came in different sizes. It made so much sense. You gratefully accept. Your baby then feeds calmly and happily. With no milk spillage.
9. When you are meant to be attending your newborn photo shoot but you end up in the woods on a narrow track six miles away from the actual studio with no clue where you are, with your baby screaming in the car seat. This is the first time you have taken your baby out in the car alone.
10. When you, baby and OH go for brunch with friends and a drink is bought for you. You’re taking codeine and diclofenac for your back injury. You’re sure it’s a mocktail as it is the same as what your pregnant friend is drinking. From brunch you go straight to Tesco to do a family food shop. You get out the car only to realise you are drunk. At 1pm. On a Sunday. At Tesco.

In my earlier days as a Mum I used to beat myself up about some of these things, I really did. At some very low times, even just fleetingly, I have even questioned my ability as a human, let alone as a Mum. But here I am, eight and a half months down the line, and I realise how normal these kinds of events are, and how these moments are all just part of real Mum life. I believe they are in fact what make you a Mum. We are operating on very little sleep, doing a job we have no experience in, it’s no wonder we make a few blunders now and again.

In society we are great at finding blame, remembering the bad days, but not so good at remembering or celebrating the times when things work out great, big or small. Life is full of ups and downs, it is essentially just a sequence of good and bad events (hopefully far more good than bad!) So I think it’s really important to make sure that as Mums we dont beat ourselves up and we acknowledge the moments when we are winning, however small they may seem…… #mumwins. From today onwards I’m going to include this new hashtag in conversation too!

Here is a list of a few that come to mind….

1. When you pull up at the petrol station to a pump on the correct side of your car that you’ve had for eight years. (Yes, since being a mum it amazes me how many times I haven’t!!)
2. When you are able to fit comfortably into your pre pregnancy knickers again. Whoop whoop! There is hope!
3. When you have not only washed your hair, you have conditioned AND dried your hair too. You now feel like a supermodel.
4. When you manage to attend a wedding with your baby just 3 weeks after giving birth. This isn’t for the faint hearted but I managed it. (just about).
5. When you are able to complete a load of washing, (yes it actually makes it to the tumble drier as well without having to be re washed) AND both you and your baby have eaten today AND you have been out of the house for a walk / a sensory class / NCT coffee morning.
6. When your baby is smiling at you because they are happy.

From my experience since having a baby my life has really slowed down, compared to how it used to be; even if time overall it is flying by. My days are no longer filled with a million interactions, meetings, social events, chores, travels, phone calls, plans. It’s ultimately all about Leo. This slower pace can help us to appreciate the good bits. Don’t let the #mumfails get you down, take a step back. Laugh. Forgive yourself. Your baby does.

As long as you and your baby are safe that is all that matters. Having breakfast three times in one day doesn’t make you a crap mum, and isn’t going impact your baby’s employment ability, nor is the leaf they ate, or that day you both got lost. So learn to laugh at those desperate moments and give yourself a break! And remember to celebrate the times when you are winning. If you’re anything like me, I bet the #mumwins happen more than you give yourself credit for.

So come on, now it’s your turn, what are your favourite #mumfails and #mumwins? Please share in the comments below and let others know what an amazing #realmum you are!

 

Where is the nearest Premier Inn?

4/03/18 – 3.37am (in bed praying he stays asleep)

Where is the nearest Premier Inn?

I found myself asking this question, in my head, many times in the first 6 months. Not because I don’t love my baby, not because I’d given up, but because I needed to find a space to breathe. And sleep. So that I could actually function. Like a normal human being. So that I could be the Mum I so wanted to be. All I needed was somewhere clean and simple with a bed. A Premier Inn would be fine. And wouldn’t eat into the crap statutory maternity pay too much.

So many people around us tell us, as expectant parents, that the lack of sleep when you have a baby is painful, ‘you never really sleep properly again’, they chime. And you don’t really know how to respond at the time other than to nod and smile – after all it’s too late, you are already expecting. A variety of people share this insight with you; your Mum, his Mum, your Sister in Law, your friend, your Aunty, your colleague, even the postman (yes my postman often liked to warn me about future horrors of having a baby throughout my pregnancy – his daughter apparently didn’t sleep through until she was 6. What an exaggeration! surely…..?).

But you only really know what they mean when it hits you, when you’ve been awake for what feels like a month but is in fact only 19 hours. And your baby is still cluster feeding. And your nipples are about to fall off. Or you’re trying to operate the tommee tippee perfect prep machine, ignoring the loud beeping, trying to alert you that it is empty of water. And you’ve forgotten how to walk. And you have constant brain fog. And your baby apparently needs no sleep to grow and develop, just more milk. And then you remember, they all tried to warn you. So many times.

And let’s not forget that you may well have suffered a lack of sleep during the last couple of months of your pregnancy too, or maybe even the whole thing if you were unlucky. All those aches and pains as your body changes shape, as it tries to accommodate your mini you, the baby playing penalty shoot out in small hours on your bladder, resulting in endless trips to the loo, oh and the beach ball (or yoga ball in my case) that is now taking up half your body meaning you have no hope of actually getting comfortable. So for many of us mums, before your baby even arrives you may not have slept properly in months. And labour, well that’s exhausting regardless of how you deliver (and another topic entirely.)

So the baby has arrived………and then the real fun begins – and my god the broken sleep really is that bad. It’s torture. I have since read that in some countries depriving sleep from captives is actually used as a form of torture. And here we are optionally putting ourselves through it by having a baby, despite being warned so many times. Oh well it’s too late now, it can’t last too long, it’s temporary right? (8 months on Russell and I are still asking ourselves this.)

In the day you feel like a zombie while attempting to fulfil your unrealistic plans to go to a plethora of your usual baby classes or coffee meet ups and complete all necessary domestic chores. (We are all domestic goddesses are we not!? – another chapter on this later). And then to make matters even worse while out engaging with other mums you realise they aren’t in fact all zombies like you – you hear about the babies that sleep 12 hours a night. Their mothers proudly wittering on, looking so refreshed as they happily share how wonderful it feels to have their energy back, with a flock of zombie mums eagerly gathered around hoping, no – desperately praying that some good luck rubs off on them. And even if you manage to avoid these mums (I try at all costs), you will see the same boasts on social media chat when mindlessly scrolling the internet on your phone late at night. And what’s more, these babies also have what I have termed ‘mythical naps’ in the day. So the mums even get some ‘me time’. Would you believe it?!

So the jealousy you feel is unreal, it’s nothing like the jealousy you may have felt previously in life when someone was prettier / thinner / smarter or has a nicer car / job / partner / cat / handbag than you – the jealousy of those mums with babies who ‘sleep 12 hours straight since he was 2 weeks old’ is on ANOTHER level entirely. You don’t even know how to process it. So much so it risks you having a criminal record. So the safest thing to do is just step away slowly and find a quiet corner away from the conversation and breathe. In and out. And again.

Or just convince yourself that they are lying. That’s what I have done. Maybe they are so tired that they actually forgot they got up in the night? Or maybe they can’t hear their baby and slept through the cries? Or maybe there are trolls online on a mission to fool you in to thinking you’re not putting your baby to sleep correctly / you have given birth to a demon. Who knows. Whatever the reason, babies sleeping through, can’t possibly be true…. can it??!

But funnily enough as with everything in this life, there are two sides to ever coin. And this is no different with mum life, there are always mums at both ends of the scale.

There are the Supermums who proclaim they are up so many more times than you are. And appear totally fine with it. And that the baby is sleeping in their bed. Which they are also totally fine with. And of course you totally believe them, and really empathise. That must be so difficult being on a 2 hour wake up cycle for example, and not having their own space in bed yet, or feeling comfortable with their baby being in their own room / or baby feeding at night so much that it feels pointless to put them in their own room. And they are still able to look lovingly at their baby, despite the fact that they have had less sleep than you have and you struggle with this. You just can’t get your head around it.

So what is hard is when you are struggling with your version of disturbed nights of being up 3 times and wanting to have a real moan about it, and to be greeted with empathy, hot tea, and a pile of biscuits at your NCT coffee morning, but in response to your moan, other mums, Supermums share they have in fact been up 6 times and ‘whilst it’s not ideal (they) have leant to cope with it’. OMG, what do you say in response to that? (in my experience its best to just pass them the biscuits).

When this happened to me (on lots of occasions) I have had no idea how to respond. These women must actually be superwomen right? Hats off to them for being so patient and tolerant of their little bundles sleep patterns. I really do mean that. But that just isn’t me, I get tired, grouchy, frustrated and experience what I have termed ‘night rage’ that I can’t just sleep for more than 3 hours without being woken up. And then…..Oh dear here we go, that familiar ‘Mum guilt’ revelation sets in (this is a reoccurring event throughout my (the) motherhood journey so far- which I will do a chapter on shortly);

“I’m finding the broken sleep so hard and I feel like I’m dying, and it’s not half as tough as what that other mum is going through and they are fine” – and then depending on the weather that day you then conclude one of the following phrases that means you are either; pathetic / a failure / useless / selfish / weak / not cut out to be a Mum. Which is awful to experience in itself. And to top it off you don’t get the empathy and biscuits you had hoped for as the conversation has now moved on to how someone’s routine is going with their baby…… routine? What even is that?

As mums our days are always busy, and the lack of sleep only makes this harder. And as we all know, no matter how little sleep you’ve had, you still need to be on form to be able to look after your little one the next day. One thing I have learnt so far in my journey as a mum is that all babies, and their mothers are different. Some babies, and some mums, can cope with less sleep, and some of us need far more. It’s a shame we didn’t all get paired up correctly(!) but the best thing we can do is be kind to ourselves, and allow ourselves to go slower, much slower, on those tough days when your head hardly touched the pillow the night before. And promise ourselves that at the soonest opportunity we will treat ourselves to that well deserved nap, or maybe just go for it and book yourself a massage for some real relaxation – if you’re local look up The Celtic Touch on Facebook, Linda is amazing.

Tough love

9/02/18 16:56 (in my car following a huge argument while Leo naps in his car seat)

Why do people often presume that when you are going through the biggest life changing event of becoming a parent, that tough love can sometimes be the answer?

It’s similar to that British slogan we see in similar forms everywhere now, ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’. Well what if I can’t keep calm right now and I don’t feel able to carry on right now? What if I just need a bit of empathy or a few moments to myself? And a massive pile of biscuits (digestives would be fine).

In my opinion we all get enough tough love every day just by being a Mum. The broken sleep, the screaming, the sick on the hair you’ve just gotten round to washing after 3 lots of dry shampoo, the exploding nappies up the back seconds before leaving the front door requiring a bath and full change of clothes (baby not you – you just carry on in your shit stained clothes as you won’t notice the smudge of poo on your top until you are actually at your NCT coffee morning), the endless hunts for car keys when late, no dummies to be seen and you own 16 etc etc. I think you see where I’m coming from now. Being a mum is completely exhausting so additional tough love is not required here thank you very much.

I believe as a Mum you experience tough love each day just by default from looking after our gorgeous bundles of joy. And what makes it Ok is the moments of absolute wonder we get to experience too. The tough and the wonderful moments go hand in hand most of the time (it is only when you get a total absence of wonderful and constant tough ones that you can start to wobble) but typically days go more like this; the stares that melt our hearts, the food splatted on our clothes, their adorable hands grasping our fingers, the biting with new teeth (ouch!) their delightful giggles as we tickle them or blow raspberries on their bellies, the snot wiped in our hair, the excited kicks from those chunky legs covered in rolls, the refusal to eat anything you have in your kitchen, those magical first wobbly steps, the hot coffee spilt over your phone, the endearing heavy breathing while they concentrate and explore new objects (this is one of my personal favourites)- Leo does this often and sounds like Darth Vader. In a very cute way of course.

Sometimes those closest to me have offered me tough love. On top of what I’ve already experienced that day. And I’ve hated it. I’ve tried both ignoring it and on occasion even kicked back. I’m pretty sure they are only doing it to try and help you ‘in the long run’ as they worry if you are vulnerable, because they love you. So they want to see you cope and being strong. They need to see this. And then they ‘know’ you’ll be ok. Which makes them feel ok too.

But in fact as my dear Russell taught me years ago now, being vulnerable is in fact being brave – which means you are strong. To be able to sit and cry and share how crap you are feeling takes a lot of courage. You are ignoring the fear of being judged and accepting who you are and how you are feeling. And unless anyone has just done a day in your shoes they don’t really know what you’re experiencing (or how long ago you got to wash your hair / ate something that wasn’t a baby wafer).

So if it’s all just gotten too much and you want to have a good cry and eat a pile of biscuits then just do it! It’s ok not to be ok. Allow yourself to feel how you feel – it’s the quickest way to move to a happier place. You’re doing an amazing job, and it’s such a tough one, so it’s perfectly normal to feel like crap sometimes.

Just make sure you give yourself a chance and communicate your needs clearly to those around you. For example if you need someone you trust to take your baby out for a walk so you can have a bath in peace just ask. If you need a cup of tea just ask. And if you need hug – just ask!

I think asking for help is so critical when you are a new mum – and from my own experience I know it can be really difficult to reach out. I will dedicate a whole burst to this very topic in due course.

Open your eyes. Wider.

19/02/2018 13:15 (in the car on my drive way with Leo asleep in car seat. Finally.)

At times of vulnerability and change we often look at others and wish or fantasise that we had their lifestyle. Especially when we are really feeling low about our own circumstances or we’re just stressed out. And if you’re shaking your head right now then you must be a perfect being – I’m kidding. We all do this, even if it’s not often.

When I used to get up at 4am for work to travel across the UK to deliver training, facilitate big events or hold difficult stakeholder meetings, I used to dream of being the postman. His job appeared so simple and so satisfying and without the multitude of stresses I’d be usually facing as standard on my day ahead. And sometimes during my millions of hours spent on trains over the last few years I’d fantasise about doing the job of the person selling the tea, foam sandwiches and overpriced crisps from trolleys on the trains. Not because I didn’t love my job, but because it was so demanding and sometimes I just felt so exhausted.

But my ultimate ‘fantasy’ I’d witness was when I was out and about in various towns on my travels for work and I’d see other women leading a very different life to me. There were Mums. Everywhere. I’d see them more the older I got. I think this must have been because I’d worry more about my ability to conceive, being a woman you hear your body clock ticking more loudly the older you get, especially when you’re battling PCOS.

There were women just like me, but the only difference was they had become mothers and got to spend time out and about doing their chores and socialising – during the day, in the week, yes, like a Wednesday. You can tell how novel I found that right!? The only time I was out and about on a Wednesday was if I had an emergency dentist appointment! These women, these Mums, looked like they were having a great time; wearing lovely casual clothes, chatting away to their babies and children, pushing the buggy along in town, on a nice sunny day, able to have a chance to breathe in the fresh air, eat lunch at nice cafe, or browse some clothes in a shop, spending time with their bundles of joy. Oh what I’d give to be her, I used to think. I especially used to wonder this as I didn’t know if my dream of becoming a mum would ever come true.

But now that I am a Mum, and I’m on maternity leave my fleeting fantasy has changed somewhat….

At desperate times I have found myself fantasising about the other Mums that are back at work. And appear to have it all. Wondering if I could ever do ‘it’ like them. Fulfilling the role of a Mother to their children and having their own independence by working and contributing to something beyond their own 4 walls, and of course, earning some cash to bring their family further financial security or just wonderful family holidays.

You’d see them at the traffic lights or walking briskly in town to their next meeting. While I’ve got a screaming baby in the back of my car, that’s quite possibly sat in a nappy full of pooh, scratching his eczema on his head until it bleeds, upset that the car isn’t moving, and we’re running so late we’ve already missed half of our Baby Sensory class, I look across to the Mum who is in the lane opposite me. She is playing her own music, wearing a nice smart suit, wearing lipstick, with her hair done, in a nice company car…. probably wearing a nice matching set of underwear…. with more than £43 pounds to her name. Meanwhile I am sat wearing the same pants (they do not qualify as knickers) I put on to go bed in last night, I haven’t showered since yesterday, my hair has a third layer of dry shampoo in, and my boobs are probably roaming freely under my jumper because I forgot to put them away in my tired Mum bra after the last feed. ‘What on earth has happened to me???’ I find myself thinking.

Now that I am that Mum myself on maternity leave I realise that something I had looked upon for years, isn’t what it seemed at all!

That gorgeous seemingly carefree mum pushing the buggy hasn’t had a shower, and her baby’s nappy needs changing and she can’t find somewhere suitable to do this, the disabled toilets with the changing tables are all locked and there is a massive queue to ask for the key. She is avoiding going home to the endless piles of laundry and dirty dishes she needs to deal with. (Yep – this has been me on many occasions). And the mum who is back at work driving her nice shiny car, in her lovely smart work clothes, in fact has baby sick on her shoulder – she hasn’t even realised this yet and her work trousers are pressing so tightly on her camels hoof she is at high risk of getting cystitis. Again. The sick is from when she carried her baby from the car to the childminder at 7am, to get one last cuddle in before having to say goodbye for the next 11 hours. And yes she is wearing lovely underwear, but no one ever sees her in it as she is so knackered from working that sex is literally the last thing on her mind. She has lived in maternity leggings for the last 18 months while pregnant and then on Mat leave and wishes so much she could wear them into the office. Oh and she doesn’t have more than £43 quid in her account either as she has to pay for childcare while she is at work.

So my point is, nothing is ever how it seems on the outside. The grass isn’t always greener. And whilst we know this deep down, sometimes we still need to keep ourselves in check. Becoming a Mum is really tough and can make you feel pretty damn vulnerable. So stop fantasising and stop comparing yourself, and be kind to yourself. Accept your reality, but know that you can influence it, have the guts to change the things you can and the wisdom to accept the things you can’t. Go out and buy the sexiest lingerie you can afford, and yes wear the knickers with your Mum bra – who cares. You’ll feel great! You can save the bra for another day when you’re ready. And if you’re that working Mum, dig out your favourite CD and play it at top volume in your car- just because you can and you don’t have to play nursery rhymes like the rest of us. (And if you get a chance can you offer to re-write the Dress Code policy? – please add in Maternity leggings as totally acceptable – this would be appreciated by millions of us yet to go back to work!)

So, in summary, enjoy what you have and cherish every moment. As it goes by in a flash. For those of us that go back to work we will most likely grieve not being with our little people as much as we want to and miss them terribly. But we’ve got to give ourselves a break and find the silver lining. We are doing our best for our babies – using our skills to earn a crust. So make the most of the uninterrupted toilet breaks and hot drinks on tap. And the same for the mums who aren’t at work, enjoy the sunshine, the fresh air, watch your baby grow and learn – and just eat that extra slice of cake – you’re going to need the sugar to get you through their 4th meltdown of the day!

But most importantly of all, we must try to actively support each other. Us women are notorious for judging each other, we can’t help it, it’s in our DNA, so let’s just stop and recognise that we are all facing daily battles, no matter what our circumstances. Next time you see a Mum in the queue with a screaming baby see if she wants to go ahead of you? She might just be waiting for the key the changing facilities. And next time you see a woman at work with some baby sick on her shoulder, find a moment to quietly let her know and make her a coffee. She has probably been up all night with her teething baby and now has to prepare some board papers.

The world can be a tough place. Let’s be kinder to one another. Peace out x