Break the habit of a lifetime

13/05/2018 18.54

When did you last ask for help? And was it about something you really needed or was it a ‘convenient’ ask for help? Something that wouldn’t put the other person out too much?

Such as ‘babe can you grab me a packet of maltesers when you’re at the shop?’ Or, ‘babe when you come downstairs can you bring the washing basket down?’

Was it in fact a favour? Something you don’t even need. You just want? Or not even a complete task, as that would push it too far (i.e. like asking for them to actually put the washing on!)

So I will ask you again. When did you last ask for something you actually needed?

‘[Insert friends name here] would you be able to drive me to my doctors appointment tomorrow as I’ve done my back in and can’t drive?’

‘Babe can you look after ‘baby’ tonight as I need to have a soak in the tub (before I lose my mind)’.

You are actually allowed. You don’t have to justify it. You can ask for help. It is not a negative reflection of you, it does not mean you are weak / incapable / un-resourceful / a crap mum. It just means you need help sometimes. As mums we very often try and take on so much, (aka mental load) and very often it’s just not realistic, we risk burning out. Which means we’d be useless! So it’s important we protect ourselves and ask for help before it gets to that point. So that we can stay well and enjoy our precious time with our babies, before they grow up (Leo is just shy of 9 months and is already keen to walk it’s crazy how quickly he is developing, makes me happy and sad all at once!)

In general our society doesn’t like asking for help. I believe it is a cultural norm. We all politely offer help to one another, on a daily basis, but very rarely take someone up on their offer. I remember being struck by the contrast to this when travelling in South India – every offer was real, every offer was accepted, and every offer was returned – no guilt, no issues, no judgement, just help.

Here in the UK on occasion I have found that sometimes if you do take someone up on their offer, they are a bit surprised! Not because they didn’t mean it, but because you’ve actually accepted their offer,- which they perhaps weren’t really expecting. I think our pride gets in way a lot of the time, we often like to remain as independent and self sufficient as possible (typical British stiff upper lip syndrome). And whilst that is very admirable, it’s not always realistic.

A prime example of this awkwardness was when an old friend of mine popped over to with her toddler to meet Leo for the first time. We all munched away on double chocolate chip cookies. My friend had offered for her daughter to eat it in my kitchen (where there is tiled floor), I said not to worry (naive new mum with little experience of toddlers). So we continued into the lounge…. which had 6 month old cream carpet. While we chatted away her toddler was wondering around the lounge playing and didn’t really eat the cookie, more just kind of innocently wiping it over everything, the crumbs and melting chocolate chips were going everywhere. I didn’t even notice until it was time to leave. My lovely friend noticed and felt awful, she then offered to hoover it up, I immediately refused, even though I had suffered a post partum hemorrhage weeks earlier and severe diastasis recti (tummy muscle separation) and was in no way able to hoover. She offered again and said she felt so bad, and again I refused. It wouldn’t be polite would it? For a guest to hoover your lounge! And then she came up with a brilliant angle; she explained she would feel more guilty not hoovering, than I would feel for allowing her to hoover! It was hilarious and it worked, she proceeded to hoover my lounge. And then my stairs just out of kindness. I felt so awkward but also relieved. Crazy isn’t it? Help was offered on a plate to me! Why wouldn’t I have just accepted the offer the first time. I nearly let my pride get in the way, thank goodness I didn’t. (If you’re reading this, thanks again lovely).

As I’ve said before in previous ‘bursts’ on my blog, when you become a mum your whole world changes and you can feel pretty vulnerable at times. Simple tasks that you used to do without thinking (e.g. mopping kitchen floor / doing a food shop / taking a bath) now take a lot of careful thought and planning. Either because you have no time, or because you need baby to be kept safe while you do said task, or because you physically cannot due to recovery from childbirth. ‘Operation Be Clean’ (aka take a shower) is one I aim to complete once a day. What are some of yours?

As a new Mum your hormones are flying everywhere because our bodies are adjusting to no longer having our baby growing inside of us. And our minds adjust trying to make sense of our new role, our baby, and where we now fit in the word around us.

So as a new mum if you ask for help I think it can often feel like this;

• If I’m not capable of doing this simple task, then that’s ridiculous and pathetic.
• They might think I’m really lazy if I ask them, I’ve never heard anyone else ask for help with this.
• How stupid of me not to realise I needed to do that / buy one of those, it’s too late to ask for help now.
• If I don’t have the energy to do it, how will I ever have the energy, I must find a way.
• I’ll ask next time, I’m sure I can cope again today.
• I need to learn this myself, just like everyone else does.
• I should know how to do this by now.
• They are busy with their own life, they won’t have time for me.
• I can’t believe I don’t know what I’m doing, everyone else does.

When in actual fact if you ask for help it means this;

• That you understand how you are feeling
• That you have identified what will help you / your baby
• That you have identified who you believe will be able to help you
• That you are being proactive
• That you want to be the best mum you can be and won’t let your pride get in the way of this

And as a new mum that’s something to be proud of right? With so much going on you know what needs to be done, and why, you just can’t do it all yourself. That is perfectly normal. And acceptable. And it’s ok.

And I know that is so easy to say. It makes so much sense to read it doesn’t it? Or even to say it to other people. But when you are feeling vulnerable that sort of logic goes out of the window. We can sometimes feel like shells of our former selves after having a baby – our whole world now revolves around this precious new life, and we can easily become overwhelmed with all that needs to be done / bought / sterilised / organised / cleaned / pumped.

And especially if we were independent souls before hand, suddenly we realise we are unable to do everything that we need to, and on top of that we don’t know how to do particular tasks. And we can be so down on ourselves about this new reality; we used to be super competent in our life as an adult (mainly), and now the rug has been pulled from beneath our feet – we can sometimes even come to the conclusion if we can’t DO IT ALL that we are inadequate in some way, or even failing; failing our baby, ourselves, our new family.

Obviously these feelings vary from mum to mum depending on their personality, expectations, what day of the week it is, mental health, birth experience, pregnancy journey, but I think it’s safe to say all new mums feel at the very least exhausted with all the things they need to do and would appreciate some more help.

The truth is we aren’t failing anyone. The very fact that we have identified all of these tasks illustrates just how much we want to get it right, and how aware we are of what is important to us in our new role to make it right. When I say ‘right’ I am in no way suggesting that there is a right and a wrong way, I just mean for the individual – the new mum’s approach to how they want their house / baby’s clothing / the lounge carpet / hair / toy box to be. It will vary for all of us. And sometimes we have to let go these standards and give ourselves a break. But sometimes there are really important things that we need to maintain or preserve for our own sanity. Some of us want our baby to go out and get fresh air each day. Some of us want home cooked food each evening. Some of us want all the baby grows folded neatly in size order in the draw. Some of us want a hot bath. Some of us want a gin and tonic. A double please.

And on the basis that most of the people on this planet are nice people we shouldn’t feel embarrassed or afraid to ask for help. Ironically so many of us even experience ‘unwanted’ help as new mums which could be redirected to something that would be so much more helpful to us! So let’s be brave and get the help we need! Let’s not focus on the fact that we can’t do it all ourselves (we aren’t superhuman – yes there it is, I admitted it – we did give birth to another being but that is where our super powers end – we now need to focus on recovery, baby and learning to live in our new world). Let’s focus on getting what we need to be the best we can be – And what’s more, feel proud that as new mums we know what we need for ourselves and our baby to be ok. So go on, do it, break the habit of a life time, ask for help! I dare you…..

When did you last ask for help and what was it with? (and how did you feel afterwards?) What do you need to ask for help with? Please comment below so other readers can see your experiences too….